The Wayward Dick
by Katsushika Kahori
Summary: The paper balls were thrown every day and John kept them. Every day Dave wondered what the hell was written on them? Every day Dave had on huge, ostentatious headphones, every day John wondered what he was listening to? AU, two kawaii boys in high school, enjoy my idiocy
1. The Wayward Dick

Chapter One (The Wayward Dick)

**Whhasoidaghs;boaiwsja;k whaaaaat am I doingggggggg  
I CAN'T RESIST THIS FANDOM or this pairing... OMFG MY **_**BABIES **_***sobbing*  
But I just… what is this rating… omg how write?… WHAT THE HELL IS THAT TITLE? what do. Halp.**

_What kind of music did he listen to?_

The question was so pervasive it hadn't left John's head for a week. He'd tried every manner of trick to rid himself of the pesky inquiry, and when that hadn't worked, had resolved to quell the invasive curiosity by simply answering the question.

Now the _real_ question became _how was he going to do that._

Chewing on his pencil he glanced across the aisle towards the object of his current obsession. As if sensing the attention, the blond turned slightly in his seat to scan behind him. John froze, not sure if Dave was looking at him or not; it was impossible to tell with the ever-present, mirror-like shades perched haughtily on his straight, high set nose.

Deciding to be safe rather than sorry John quickly redirected his gaze back to his anatomy book. Staring up at him from the open page was a structural map of the human reproductive system. He blushed a deep red and closed his eye. So not the thing he wanted to see right now. Not like he didn't know what it was or whatever, but also not very high on the list of things he wanted to discuss extensively in class with a bunch of immature high schoolers. As if on cue, just as the thought crossed his mind, a paper ball collided with the back of his head. The crumpled sphere landed lightly on the desk and unfurling it, he saw a crudely drawn dick. Sighing, John folded it neatly and stashed it away in a pocket of his backpack with all the others. They were beginning to overflow and it would soon become necessary to empty the pocket again.

He rarely blinked anymore at this behavior; it happened so frequently that he was more surprised when a day passed with_out_ any harassment. Lost in his thoughts the bell failed to garner any attention and he continued to stare distractedly at his notes. Suddenly a hand tapped his shoulder gently and he jumped, preparing for a book to the head or worse.

"Bell rang dude." A soft voice announced.

John glanced up and found himself gazing into his own reflection, shiny and darkly tinted from Dave's shades.

"I said the bell rang. You were all spacin' the fuck out though. Did you even hear it?"

All through this speech Dave's expression had remained completely neutral and John found it difficult to peg down whether he was irritated or worried or just stone cold didn't give a fuck.

"Are you listening to me?"

John grinned sheepishly, forgetting for a moment to hide his teeth.

"Yeah! Sorry! I heard you, thanks for the warning!" That said he shoved his notebook into his bag and sped from the room.

Running down the hall, he cursed himself to hell and back for screwing up such a perfect opportunity to ask Dave about the music he listened to. Just five seconds; that's all it would have taken! Damn it, why was he such a doofus?

* * *

Back in the room Dave stood staring at the empty doorway through which the small, dark haired boy had sprinted. Sprinted as though spooked. Spooked as in spooked by Dave. Dave as in himself.

"Fuck."

Not again.

All he'd wanted to know was what was written on that piece of paper…

**A/N I don't knowwwwwwwwwwwww… Did they seem like themselves?**


	2. The Second Thoughts

Chapter Two (The Second Thoughts)

**Wow, you guyssssss. Dem reviewssssss SO QUICK! x3**

The entire walk home Dave was plagued by unwanted, cutting-edge thoughts; most of which surrounded one, John Egbert. He grimaced and kicked a stone across the sidewalk where it clattered into the gutter. Stupid John with his stupid messy hair and stupid mysteries, stupid Dave and his stupid curiosity; why did he care so much?

The apartment complex he'd recently moved into with his older brother loomed into sight much sooner than he'd have liked. Waiting inside was nothing but faux, fabric butts, an abundance of swords, and one particularly overwhelming presence by the name of Dirk. Don't get the wrong idea; his brother was one kickass keeper of the young'ins but not one for delving into personal talks with.

And that's what this was turning into wasn't it? Some horrid _emotional _crisis...

"Oh my fucking God, what have I become..." He muttered to himself, pushing open the front door. It creaked dejectedly and he glared at the rusted hinges. Never would he be one to cast blame on a young adult singlehandedly raising a kid he probably hadn't wanted… but the places his bro could afford were always such dumps. "Guess I'll never bring John here."

He froze mid-step.

_ Whut._

* * *

"Dad…" John twirled a spoon through the whipped cream on the counter. "Do you suppose just asking someone something if you've never talked to them before would be… awkward?"

"It would depend on the question. Why do you ask?"

"No reason." He stuck the spoon in his mouth and turned off the oven.

Maybe he'd just do it anyway.

Later that night, while studiously ignoring his homework which was spread out across the desk, he remembered the paper stash. Sighing, he grabbed his bag and up-ended it on the floor. Out tumbled hundreds of little scraps of paper, all with various crass and vulgar drawings. He'd toyed with the idea of scanning them onto the computer and putting them up on some art site under a troll account, but staring at them in their vast numbers he lost the will to somehow abstract any enjoyment from the situation.

While gathering them up and shoving them into a plastic bag his thoughts returned to Dave.

Dave was a new concept in a tired setting. He'd transferred to John's school not two months ago and had instantly made a tidal wave of an impression. He was new, he was stoic, he was good looking, he was mysterious, and he was _cool._

All the girls had thrown themselves at him repeatedly until one day, in a rather painful, public display, he'd basically told them to step off.

All the guys had tried to recruit him to their various clubs and sports groups. He'd also told them, though a bit more subtly, to back the fuck up.

Dave just seemed too cool for the normal crowd.

Straightening up, John stilled in his actions and stared abstractly at the notes in his hands, thinking of all the bullying, names, and jokes played at his expense. Though he hated to even acknowledge the idea, he couldn't avoid admitting that he was in fact a nerd.

Was he _allowed_ to talk to Dave?

He bit his lip; this could get really difficult.


	3. The Headphones

Chapter Three (The Headphones)

**I think my goal for this will be short entries, 500-600 words tops per chapter. If I come up with a direction for the story they may get longer but until then, enjoy the shots!**

The next morning John sat in his customary place, still stewing over his recent blunder. What was it that had made him run? He wasn't intimidated by Dave… was he? He turned to stare discreetly at the blond in the back row. Puzzled by his placement, he glanced forward towards Dave's usual seat, only to see that it was in fact, still empty. Why had he moved to the back? Was there an annoying kid sitting up there today? He craned his neck to contemplate the children in the front; none of them seemed all that bad.

Shrugging, he opened his book, leaned back and prepared for another day of constant nagging curiosity over the notes playing through those gigantic, ostentatious headphones Dave was once again wearing today.

* * *

Dave adjusted his shades and turned his discreet attention to the small, dark haired boy in the middle row. From the back he had a much better view of John in all his strange glory. Maybe from here he'd have a vantage point to see what was being written on those paper balls too. The thought cheered him significantly and he was able to drown out the little voice in his head that was still questioning this uncouth interest in a classmate.

The sound of the teacher announcing that today was going to be a lab day was like music to Dave's highly tuned ears. This was his chance to put the charm on and get John to talk. Not that he wanted to impress him. He just wanted him to spill the beans about those damn paper balls and their secret mysteries of nerdom.

"Just choose your partners alright? We've got an even number today."

As soon as the words left her mouth he was off like a shot.

John was his.

* * *

Several plans had wound their way through John's head during the last 10 minutes, all of which were promptly discarded as either far fetched or vaguely illegal. He needed a subtle, fool proof way to break the ice with Dave; that was the only way it was going to work. He had to keep his cool.

"Dude."

John started and looked up from the doodle he'd drawn all across his notes; there standing over him was none other than Dave Strider.

"Uh, whuht?" Somewhere in the back of his mind he registered that his mouth was probably hanging open.

"Didn't yuh hear? Partners in a lab today." Dave had his hands in his pockets and was slouching against the desk across the aisle. Looking past him, John realized half the class was staring at him and chuckling. How long had he been spaced out? His face burning slightly he did the first thing that came to mind.

"Hey, how much does a polar bear weigh?"

Dave raised one eyebrow over the rim of his shades. "Excuse me?"

"Just enough to break the ice."

**YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**


	4. The Lab

Chapter Four (The Lab)

**Omg you guise. You are all so beautiful and amazing! Those reviews made me so frickin' happy! **_**Gosh**_**.**

All sense had apparently flown John's head. Those cool kid shades had knocked it right out of him. He'd said the first thing that came to mind.

He wanted to punch himself.

"You serious right now?" Dave asked in disbelief.

"Well, it worked, right?" John hedged, fidgeting with the edge of his paper.

Dave paused momentarily, seeming to think about it. "Yeah; I guess it did." He sat down nonchalantly. "So. Who writes and who mixes?"

John glanced down at the lab sheet that had been placed in front of him a few seconds ago. It was a simple sugar/calorie lab. They would be burning Sweet tarts over a flame to record the time it took and translating it to calories and energy units. He bit his lip. His hand writing wasn't the best and it wasn't the worst but… he really wanted to burn things…

"I ain't so sure my handwriting will fit the bill, dude." Dave spouted suddenly, sliding his own paper over; it was covered in chicken scratch.

John frowned in dismay. "I 'spose I'll do the writing then." He pulled out a pencil and turned to stare expectantly at Dave.

"Dude, what."

"Well, I'm writing, you can get the stuff we need! You get the fun job, you do the work. Now hop to butler boy!" John snapped his fingers and grinned.

Dave's face was completely blank, looking, John assumed, straight at him. All of a sudden that didn't seem like it had been the smartest thing to say. He took a deep, quiet breath, bracing for impact.

"Uh, gosh, I didn't mean to-" He was cut off by Dave raising his hand and smirking.

"You got quite a mouth on yuh, don'tcha?"

John stared, shocked. So, had he just crossed a line or hadn't he? Dave didn't look particularly put out but… he certainly didn't look proud either…

"Right, I'll be right back with all our shit. You stay here. Hold down the fort. Keep them eyes peeled for any sign of candy stealing, babber snatching, crooked crooks. Careful Egbert. They're sneaky as fuck; thieves in the night." Dave halted in his mindless rant to wave a hand in front of John's eyes. "Yo, dude. Any one home in there?"

John blinked. "Er, yeah! Jeez. Just go already! You don't have to give me a speech." John blushed lightly, guilty again of having been caught spacing out.

Without another word Dave stood and sauntered, literally _sauntered,_ to the supply cupboard. John watched in awe as the students parted before him like the Red Sea before Moses.

* * *

Dave stood behind a line of other students gathering supplies, his mind racing a mile a minute. He certainly hadn't expected such outright snark from someone like John. And, he _really _hadn't expected a pick-up line. He stuck his hands in his pockets and leaned against the counter; this could work out even better than he expected.

A smile almost found its way to his lips.

Maybe he'd just found someone to be friends with.

**Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. But I always just see John as this snippy, sassy little trick.**

**Fuck I love him.**


	5. The Buddy System

Chapter Five (The Buddy System)

**Guiseeeeeeee I was all set to do short chapter updates so I could be sure to have one for you everydayyyyyy! If I write any longer it takes me like a week or more per chapter ;n;  
But, since you askedddd and I do so LUrVE you all… here's an extra long, angsty chapter just for youuuu~**

**Disclaimer****: sassy, angsty John is sassy and angsty.**

"No! You don't set the _tube_ on fire, you maladjusted, airheaded, piece of shit!"

The yell reverberated around the room and both John and Dave looked up curiously, tracing the animosity back to its source; a small angry transfer student from another county. He'd swapped schools to be near the guy who was currently his lab partner.

Over the years John had noticed said lab partner, one student by the name of Gamzee, acting rather strangely. Some days he would be completely bland, dazed almost, others he'd be seconds from a homicidal rampage. The school was desperate to calm his rage while avoiding expelling him; his family provided a good chunk of the schools funding. They'd contacted his family only to discover that Karkat was able to quell his unexplainable anger, and thus, Karkat was shipped in post haste.

"Chill out, man. This rubber will burn just motherfuckin' fine."

"That does not mean you burn it, you fucked up asshole!" Karkat leapt across the table, grabbing the rubber tube from Gamzee's hands just in time; in the process he knocked over the Bunsen burner and two glass vials, both of which crashed to the tile floor and shattered. "Oh my God, you make my life so much fucking worse than I thought was even possible!"

"What the actual hell is that kid's problem?" Dave muttered jerking his head in Karkat's direction.

John looked over his shoulder, towards the back of the room where Karkat was currently juggling two beakers, the rubber hose, and what looked like a crumpled hat. A girl sat a few seats from him grinning like a devil and slowly inching her cane closer and closer to his flailing legs. "Oh, that's just Karkat." John said, shrugging and turning back around to write down the time on his stopwatch. "This happens pretty much every time we have a lab."

"So is that the only side show I've missed?"

"I'm sorry?" John frowned in confusion, dotting three 'i's quickly and glancing up to stare into Dave's ever present shades.

"Well, I only just got here. Haven't quite mapped out the territory you know? Gotta target the weirdoes, gotta get my friendly on." He shrugged, looking away, and repeatedly sparking the striker.

"Dave…" John gasped dramatically. "Are you trying to say you want friends?" He threw on the best shocked face he could manage and clapped his hands to his cheeks.

"Whoa. Settle yur ass down, Egbert." Dave replied, tossing a Sweet Tart at him. "Yuh ain't exactly top'a the list. Don't get yur panties in a twist; I know you're head over heels for me but you better cool yur jets."

Keeping the hurt from his expression and lowering his face, he pretended to muss with the stopwatch to reset it to zero. "Wow, dude. _Wow._ Stuck up much? Besides, whoever said I wanted to be your friend?" He tried to keep his tone light and flippant.

Whatever Dave was about to say was cut short by a stool flying overhead and smashing into the whiteboard.

"You overgrown pile of water trash! Goddamn you and your brain-dead ways!" Karkat screamed as a crack appeared in the board.

The teacher quickly called an end to the lab and everyone was returned to their seats, with the exception of Karkat, who had been sent to the hall to write a thousand word paper on the reasons obscenities were inappropriate in school.

* * *

Dave spent the remainder of the class period attempting to control his impulse to bash his face on his desk. Why the holy fuck had he said that? Why did he have to let his shitty humor take control? Why had he teased the skittish, elusive, creature known as John Egbert?

He'd never get past this new hurdle he'd built himself.

And he'd been making such good progress!

He fell forward whacking his forehead on the desk.

* * *

John stared straight ahead, thinking hard.

Dave was not only mysterious and "new", he was entirely unpredictable. He had just started thinking that they were going to be friends when suddenly Dave was saying the verbal equivalent to a slap in the face. So where did this leave them? Was he allowed to talk to Dave? Could he say hi in the hallways? Or was he still just a nerd? Maybe he shouldn't have joked about not wanting to be friends?

He sighed.

And he still hadn't asked about the music the cool kid liked.

* * *

Suddenly an idea presented itself to Dave as he noticed a paper ball flying over his head to collide with John's. John flinched and picking up the crumpled notebook page, read it and then gingerly placed it in the front pocket of his backpack. Dave noticed his shoulders rise and fall in a sigh and watched as John shook his head slowly before laying it down on the desk.

Dave grabbed a piece of paper and scrambled for a pencil; he had 10 minutes before class ended.

Biting his tongue in concentration he stared at the blank paper agonizing over what to write.

_What the fuck was he supposed to write?_

* * *

John was dazing off, counting his breathes when he heard a quiet whistle. He raised his head and waited. Sure enough, about two seconds later he heard his name whispered. Glancing back he saw Dave staring intently in his direction. When he noticed John looking he picked up a small object and tossed it.

No no no no no, please…

The paper sphere bounced off his wild, untamed hair and came to rest on the desk in front of him. His heart sank. It was a "jerk note".

The bell rang just then and, fighting his teary eyes, John bounded from the room, leaving the note still on the desk.

* * *

Dave watched John sprint away wondering if maybe that hadn't been the best idea…

"Ok, new plan." He muttered, standing up and throwing his backpack over his shoulder. "I'm gonna break into his main fortress. Now… I just need to figure out where he lives…"

Turning his feet towards the office, planning on interrogating the school staff, Dave came to a standstill when a cane whacked him in the back.

"You're looking for John?"

He whirled around to find himself face to face with the girl from earlier. Up close he noticed the glasses she had on were actually opaque, a deep red, and the cane she carried had red stripes running along the bottom. So this chick was blind…

"I am. What's it to you, Blind Faith?"

The girl grinned from ear to ear and stuck out her hand. "My name's Terezi. And you Dave Strider have just made a really good friend."

* * *

Lying on his bed later that afternoon, John thought back over the last classes happenings. What had he done that was so bad that it had warranted going from 'maybe friends' to 'bully and prey'? Had he made one too many jokes? They'd been getting along wonderfully and then suddenly Dave had made him his new target. His lip trembled slightly and he flopped over onto his stomach, burying his face in his pillow.

What had been written on that piece of paper?

He hadn't looked.

He'd been too scared to see a cruel name or a threat; just like all the others…

A knock on the window startled him from his stupor and he jumped. The blinds were closed and he contemplated ignoring the noise, it had probably just been a bird, when a second knock convinced him otherwise. Giving in, he dragged himself from bed and shuffled to the blinds. It was probably some dumb squirrel tapping on the window trying to get nuts or something; best to just chance it away now. Pulling them open he yelled and stumbled back in surprise. There, perched precariously on the second story ledge of his house was none other than Dave Strider.

"'Sup."

John stared, slack jawed. What was going on. Was this real life? Was this a thing that was actually happening?

"Dude, you wanna open the window? My legs er seriously crampin' up out here. Crampin' like a homeless mans stomach when he's stolen the Thanksgiving turkey. Crampin' like a dude about to take a serious shit. Crampin' like- oh my God, Egbert just open the fuckin' window."

"Sorry! Gosh, uh!" John jerked forward and tore the screen from the window edging, tossing it to the ground. "C-come in, I guess…"

"Thanks bro." Dave intoned, stepping down onto John's carpet and making a face when he sank an inch into the plush weave.

"Uh… What… what exactly are you doing h-here?"

Dave looked up from inspecting the carpeting and skewered John with that deadpan gaze. "Gettin' my friendly on of course."

"With me?" John asked incredulously, pointing to himself.

"No dipshit, your older brother."

"I don't have an older brother… anymore…" John murmured slowly, lip quivering.

Dave's mouth dropped open and his hands came up in front of him uselessly. "Oh fuck, shit, ass, no, I didn't mean! Oh god, fuck me. Dude-" He paused when he heard John snickering into his hand. "Oh my God, dude. You are a complete bastard." He shook his head, letting out a deep breath.

"That's pay back for earlier." John said stonily, all trace of good humor gone.

"What?"

"The note thing. Why did you do that?" He asked in a hurt voice.

Dave frowned and fell backwards, sprawling out over John's bed. "It was a note. You get 'em all the time. What's the deal?" He laid his head back and closed his eyes. "Did I like, encroach on some of your friend-zone bullshit? Am I not allowed to do that?"

"They're not notes." John whispered.

"What?"

"They're not notes." He repeated a little louder. He grabbed his bag and dumped the recent hate-mail across Dave's stomach. Turning, he reached into the trash and retrieved all of last night's as well, throwing them on the pile with the others. "They're abuse."

Dave's expression turned to shock as he read one after another, crumpling them in his fist and chucking them on the floor harder and harder as he read. "This is really fucked up. Like seriously. What the fuck."

John shook his head. "I take it you didn't write anything like that?"

"Did you even read it?" Dave looked up, his eyebrows pulling together.

Too embarrassed at having jumped to conclusions John simply bit his lip and murmured a soft "sorry".

"No. Just… no. Don't even apologize for being paranoid. Oh my God." Dave threw the last paper wad into the garbage can and sneered. "That's just sick. And ain't the righteous kind of sick I'm talkin' 'bout either. Ain't nothin' sick-nasty about this fetid drivel." He flopped back down, narrowly missing smacking the back of his head against the wall.

"So… What did it say, your note?" John hedged, sitting gingerly on the edge of the bed next to Dave's leg and toying nervously with the hem of his shirt.

Dave propped himself up on his elbows to stare. "What do you think it said?"

John stayed silent for a moment, thinking. "It probably said… 'Gosh, Egbert! I'm so homo for you I can't stand it! Please marry me and kiss me with your perfect lips right facking now!'"

Dave was silent, his lips pressed into a thin line and John was just starting to worry, taking a deep breath to rush an apology, cursing himself for making the same mistake twice, when Dave finally responded.

"How'd you know?"

"What."

**Ok guise. Over 2,000 words. I hope this tides you over! Don't expect another long one like this for a while ((EVEN IF YOU BEG)) but I will try to work them in every once in a while! ((I completely understand the frustration of short chapters ;^;))**

**And now back to your regularly scheduled shots.**


	6. The Business Deal

_Chapter Six (The Business Deal)_

**Gosh darn it guise….. I hate to torture you with short chapters! But they're so much more convenient for me to write that way! BUT :SLJ;oiJA:DLJAsio I LOVE YOU ALL AND I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY….**

**Ok here's the deal. I'll write longer chapters. 1,000 to 2,000 words. Updates will be slower. BUT. I reserve the right to occasionally post shorter ones… if I'm running low on free time or whatever… yes? Can we all agree on this? ((do you people even read these author notes?1?))**

"Dude. You totes heard me."

"Did you just say 'totes'?" John asked critically, squinting at the figure next to him.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Am I answering _this _question now?" Dave asked petulantly.

"Uh… I just-" John paused when he heard Dave chuckle quietly.

"Sorry. Just ignore me. I'm bullshitting 98% of the time. Seriously. Shit gets ridiculous."

"O-oh…" John pulled his legs up and wrapped his arms around them. "So. What did it _really_ say?"

Dave glanced over. "What, you didn't fall for that genius-ly elaborate, well thought out joke where I agreed to the first thing out of your fickle little bullshit mouth? What are you, some kinda prank master?"

John laughed. "Yup! That's me! The prank master!" He cupped his hand over his mouth and stage whispered, "Dave… I'm the prank master. It's me."

"No. Oh my God. Shut up."

"Whatttt. You're allowed to use a shitty meme thing and I can't?" He whined.

"It's all irony, bro. All memes and shitty references fall to their knees in front of the great force that is my irony. It shall rule the Earth. It is my armor. With it I face the deadliest of foes; My Little Pony, kawaii anime chicks, furries, webcomics, they are no longer my enemies. They are my disguise."

"Dude, you're kind of full of malarkey aren't you?"

There was a long pause as Dave stared at the ceiling in silence.

"Yeah, pretty much."

John lay back, careful to not touch Dave's arm and folded his own beneath his head. "I'll just ignore everything you say from now on then. Except for the part where you confessed your love to me. I'm remembering that."

Dave whacked his arm across John's stomach and grinned in what looked to be a manner against his own will. "When did I ever say that?"

"Just a few minutes ago."

Another long hush settled in the room; it was comfortable and despite the strange situation John found himself lulling off into a sleep until Dave suddenly flipped on his side, gazing intently in what John assumed was his direction.

"Are we friends yet?"

"What?" He asked, startled.

"Are we friends yet?" Dave repeated, still inspecting John for some sort of reaction.

"Uh… how the hell do I answer that?" He looked away, out the window. "Friends are what happens when you trust someone. Friends trust each other with their dreams and other friends and love. Friends will do anything to help you. It's kind of impossible to gauge that kind of thing by just asking… especially so soon." He turned to face Dave when he heard a quiet sigh.

"So, that's a no?"

* * *

Dave struggled to control the frown that was trying to contort his face into the mask of a sad pathetic slob. He couldn't explain the sinking feeling he'd gotten when John had started talking.

Fuck.

He really was turning into a sap.

Bro would never let this go.

"But… we _could_ be friends."

He blinked and angled his face so he could better see John's expression. "What?"

"I-I mean… I mean, let's be friends." John smiled and held out a hand, dangling it over Dave's face. "Ok?"

He pressed his lips together momentarily before grasping John's hand in his own and awkwardly shaking it. "Deal."

John laughed lightly. "So it's a business deal now?"

"Bet your booties it is." He replied seriously. "Better not go breaking this contract, Egbert. If you do you'll never do business with this hot bod again. And by bod I mean company. My company. Highest selling company there is. Looks great on your resume."

"I'll make sure to hold up my end of the bargain then." John said cheerfully, finally retracting his hand from Dave's grip. "You know what this means right?"

Dave sighed mockingly. "Are we gonna talk about our crushes now?" He fluttered his eyelashes, forgetting that John couldn't see them behind his shades.

"No! It's movie time! Everyone knows movies are the best way to get to know someone."

"Movies?" He raised an eyebrow. "What kind of movies?" Images of Adam Sandler, Jim Carey, Disney princesses, and popcorn floated idly through his head as he listened contentedly to John getting up and turning on the small TV that was in the far corner of his room. "I could go for a few good com movies. Maybe an anime?" He bit his lip, thinking. Was anime still ironic?

However he was roused from his thought process by the most stunning answer imaginable.

"Con Air first!" John intoned excitedly from the closet, where he was currently shuffling things this way and that to get to the rack of movies against the back wall.

Dave sat up so fast his shades went clattering across the floor. "Are you fucking kidding me right now?" He asked incredulously.

* * *

John turned from the movie rack to eye Dave. "What's wrong with Con Air? I personally think it's…" He trailed off, eyes wide.

* * *

Dave reached up, his fingers touching nothing but the exposed skin around his eyes.

_Fuck._

* * *

John took a tentative step towards his bed where Dave sat, still as a deer in headlights.

* * *

Dave's mind went from a complete standstill to a raging monster truck of panic.

"Dave?" John whispered, worriedly. "You ok…?"

The only thing he could think was to get away. As quickly as possible. This wouldn't end well.

He jumped a foot in the air when John suddenly took nine quick steps across the room and put his hand on his shoulder. Looking up he was met with a frighteningly close view of John's bright blue eyes, his own wide, frightened, red eyes being reflected quite clearly back at him.

He cringed, waiting for the questions, the curiosity, the innate, instinctual fear.

"What's wrong?" John asked quietly.

Dave blinked in surprise.

What.

**Oooooohhhh mmmyyyyy ggoooooddddd. I cannot write Dave… I literally cannot. This is so hard….. **

**Also, I apologize for using Con Air… But I had to. I mean it's totally overused but it's JOHN….. ! And Dave's eyes… SO MANY CLICHES I KNOW BUT I HAVE BEEN WAITING MY ENTIRE LIFE TO WRITE THIS SCENE AND JUST aj:foijsa:ifh:aosiljkfg:oi CAN'TSTOPMEBITCH**


	7. The Wedding Cupcakes

_Chapter Seven (The Wedding Cupcakes)_

**Omg you guise had BETTER throw reviews at me! You all know that's the only thing that keeps me going right? -_-**

**And I'm awful sorry it's taken me so long this time! What with school starting up, the Olympics, and my general daily responsibilities I haven't had much time at all!**

"Dave…?" John chewed unconsciously on his bottom lip, his hand still resting on Dave's shoulder. What the hell was going on? Suddenly, the blonde started and directed his wild eyes towards the far wall. After the silence had continued for what seemed like three years, he dove towards the ground and grabbing his shades, jammed them back on his face.

"Well, Egbert. I better get goin'. Can't stick around in any one place too long you know. The cool starts to melt." He voiced in an offhand tone but John could hear the tremor of nervousness worming its way to the surface.

"Oh come on! You're not that cool! Besides, glaciers have traveled all over the continent!" John joked halfheartedly, still confused.

For a second Dave turned to stare at him in disbelief before reaching for the window sill and hoisting himself up. "Sorry, you know how it goes. Circles don't fit the square holes and all that. Later dude."

John frowned, processing the statement. "Are you saying I'm square?"

"No way. Wouldn't ever say that. Nope. Yuh'll never hear that phrase from my mouth. Not in a million years." Dave rattled off tonelessly, almost frantically.

John reached forward, throwing his arm in the way of Dave's exit. "_What _is going on? I thought we were getting along really great…"

* * *

Dave flinched at the hurt resonating in John's voice and paused in his hasty retreat. This wasn't what he wanted at all. He liked being here. He liked talking to John. He liked John.

_Wait what._

"Look, that's… that's not what I'm saying at all." Dave muttered. "I just-"

"Then what's the problem?" John asked bluntly. His arm was still blocking the window, his eyes shining with what could only be loneliness.

In a fit of anger, anger at this situation, anger at his genetics, and anger at fate itself, Dave turned and whipped off his shades. "There. How's about this?"

John stared into his eyes for a moment then withdrew his arm and crossed both over his chest.

Dave's heart sank and he braced himself for the coming command to vacate the premises pronto.

"And? Your eyes are too cool for me to look at? Is that what the problem is?"

Dave was speechless for approximately three seconds before a flood of words drowned his worry and inhibitions and he spat the first things he thought of. "Don't you think it's weird? Doesn't it creep you the fuck out? Wanna know if I made a contract with Satan? Want to ask what it's like to be a freak? Why aren't you wigging out? It's not _normal._"

John shrugged. "So you have red eyes. Mine are blue. What does it matter?" Taking a step back he continued, "So are we going to watch a movie or not? I already got it out and everything."

Seeing the fake pout on John's face, for the first time in years, Dave felt an honest to God smile curve his lips up. "Got any shitty snacks?"

John beamed back blindingly. "I think my dad has some cupcakes in the cupboard."

"What kind?"

"The nasty kind with too much frosting and sprinkles and magic on 'em." John countered, grimacing.

"Dude. Dude, are you trying to say you don't like goods of the baked variety?"

"You try growing up here. Every day it's a constant battle to stay cake free." John muttered, leaving the room after one last curious backward glance as though to see if Dave had made a getaway as soon as he'd turned his back.

"Bet he comes back with carrots." Dave murmured, smiling lightly to himself and sitting on the floor, leaning against the bed frame. Ok. It was time to calm the fuck down. He had made it here. The worst that could have happened had, John was ok with it, it was all going to run as smoothly as he'd hoped.

"Hey Dave." John said, suddenly appearing in the doorway with a tray of food. "I just had a thought."

He glanced up from where he was playing with the plush carpeting.

"How'd you know where I live?"

"Oh. You know, the magic that is my all knowing omnipotent powers."

"Omnipresent."

"Sure, that." He shrugged, reaching over and grabbing a cupcake off the plate John had placed on the floor. "Some girl from class told me."

John frowned in confusion. "Some girl?"

"Yeah, that piece of work with the cane and glasses."

"Oh! Terezi? Why does Terezi know where I live?" John asked quizzically.

"You got me." Dave rambled around a mouthful of sweet angel food cake. "Hey." He swallowed. "These ain't half bad, Egbert. Your dad's a mighty fine cook."

"Hmm?" John glanced up distractedly from the remote where he was attempting to adjust the volume. "Oh, no I made those." He waved his arm absentmindedly.

Dave choked on his third cupcake.

* * *

Hearing Dave hacking up a lung John turned to whack him on the back. "You ok?" He asked frantically.

"_You _made these?"

"Uh huh. My dad taught me when I was little!"

"That's crazy, man."

John bit his lip. "Why? Is it too nerdy?"

"The fuck're yuh talkin' about? This is a goddamn miracle that I'm shovin' in my mouth. Like, damn, better call Fox News; we got a cover story here!" Dave sucked a bit of frosting off his finger. "Egbert, I would marry _any_ girl who baked like this."

John blushed and, recovering quickly, chuckled. "Oh well, I guess you ate it then…"

Dave blinked. "Ate what?"

"The proposal ring I hid in the cupcake." John ducked as frosting and fluffy, chewed cupcake was spewed across his floor. "Hehehe, just kidding!"

"You really don't let up do you?" Dave muttered, wiping his mouth on his sleeve.

John grinned and leaned back on his hands, this time not worried with how Dave had taken his joke. It felt natural. It felt right.

"Hey Dave!" When Dave glanced up John laughed happily. "I think we're going to be really great friends!"

***collapses on floor* This is turning to shit! Shit shit shit shit SO FAST I CAN'T EVEN KEEP UP WITH MY OWN SHIT WRITING.**


	8. The Secret Clothes

_Chapter Eight (The Secret Clothes)_

**YOOOOOO. Classes have been kicking my ass! And! if anyone cares to know I've been busy helping my friend move! INTO MY ROOM! Oh yes! I have a new roomie! Finally! Hopefully this works out as well as I hope, cross your fingers for me!**

**AND FOR ANYONE WORRIED ABOUT THIS: I will **_**NOT **_**be giving up on this story. I will finish I promise! But it'll take me a while~**

Noticing it had gotten obscenely dark by the time the third movie's credits were rolling, John glanced over and sure enough, Dave was slowly but surely falling asleep on the floor. He reached over and tugged on a lock of the blonde's hair. Dave responded only by leaning a little farther forward.

"Seriously, how can you even see with these on?" John muttered, scooting forward and gently grasping the arms of Dave's glasses. "You should just take them off."

"Yo, whut're yuh doin'?"

John yelped, throwing his hands in the air. "Sorry, sorry, I was just…" He glanced up worriedly and was met with a raised eyebrow and two curious eyes staring over the rims of Ben Stiller esque shades.

"Hey, don't freak on me. But a girl's gotta wonder when she wakes up to being undressed."

John felt his mouth drop open and he chuckled nervously. "Oh come on. Those glasses aren't clothes!" He weakly punched Dave's arm.

"They sure feel like it." Dave murmured quietly.

Feeling Dave's stare more than seeing it, John bit his lip momentarily before reaching up and snatching the shades of Dave's face. "New rule! When we're together you can't wear these!"

"What, John, that's a stupid idea." Dave stuttered, eyes wide.

"No way! I think it's brilliant! Besides I think your eyes are neat."

"Stop John, das gay."

John lurched forward, almost face planting in Dave's hair. "Do I smell watermelon?"

Dave shoved him away and he tumbled backwards onto the ground. "You don't smell nothin' at all like watermelon!" Dave laughed.

* * *

Later that night John would think back on that laugh and how nervous it had sounded. He would lay in bed staring up at the dark ceiling listening to Dave's quiet breathing and think maybe it had been trying to cover something up.

**I'm so sorry my loves, but that's really all I have time for at the moment. Don't worry though! I have the next chapter all planned out!**


	9. The Liar's Game

_Chapter Nine (The Liar's Game)_

** GUISE I'M BACK OMFG. Once again, I'll apologize for the long break, I just….. ok I have no excuse. Can I blame my advanced history classes?**

**ENOUGH OF THIS. Onto the story~ As always, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy! :D**

"Dave, wake up." John whispered hoarsely. He waited, watching the small hill of fabric that was Dave for any sign of movement, still marveling at the fact that Dave Strider had spent the night in his room (he was totally rocketing up the "cool ladder"!). When there was no response, he heaved a sigh and threw a small pillow at the passive pile of blankets.

"Fucking shit, alright,alright, I'm up, yuh sorry excuse for ah-…" Dave's ruffled profile dug its way up from the depths to throw a moody stare in his direction. "Holy lord on a saltine cracker, I forgot I crashed here… damn."

"Good morning to you too, sunshine." John muttered sarcastically. "Are you going to make me breakfast now?"

"Hell no!" Dave ran a hand through his already sleep disheveled hair, rolling with the situation with apparent ease. "I'm the girlfriend, where's my breakfast in bed?" He leaned back, stretching his arms over his head, grimacing as several vertebrae popped lightly back into place.

John placed his chin in his hand and leaned forward as well. "Oh yeah? You think that's who you are?"

Dave blanched. "Well, I-"

Grinning feral-ly, plan already in place after a long night of thinking, John tumbled off the bed and into Dave's lap. "I thought you were all _manly _and _strong _or whatever. But now you wanna be the _girlfriend_?" He batted his eyelashes, trying not to giggle.

At first Dave only stared, sitting stock still. Just as John began to question the brilliance of this joke, Dave's eyes sparked with humor,

- John's heart flipped-

and he wrapped his arms around John and absolutely _drawled,_

- John's heart melted-

"Oh, well darlin', _I_ dun mind bein' thuh pants in this here sitchee-ation."

John felt his mouth drop open and he vaguely reflected that maybe he didn't have the upper hand in this game after all.

* * *

Dave silently congratulated himself on a line well delivered and took the momentary lapse in Egbert Activity to stare intently at said Egbert's wide open eyes. Dave had denied himself the joy earlier and now, having submitted to John's request of a "glasses-free zone", he felt he deserved a little payment.

John's eyes were truly breathtaking; an indescribable mix of various, glowing shades and hues of vibrant blue. They seemed to flow like some unending ocean in a far off galaxy…

What the holy fuck was he thinking?

Dave. Dave, get your shit together, dear fucking lord, this isn't a poetry slam. (Thank God.)

"So Egbert, I'm sure you've gathered at this point that I can't cook to save my own worthless ass." He said casually, watching gleefully as John visibly started and blinked several times, refocusing.

"You can't?" John all but whimpered, going limp in Dave's arms. "Well, shit, I'm not marrying _your_ sorry ass."

"Don't hate, damn. You're a right snippy little trick ain't cha?"

John struggled several moments to control himself but only looked like he was attempting telepathy and finally burst into a semi-ridiculous snort. Dave watched in fascination at the joy John seemed to pull from every situation he was faced with.

"Hey." John muttered finally when he could speak again, and had scooted over onto the make-shift bed so that his left knee was leaning on Dave's. "I have a question…"

"Shoot." Dave started to reach for his glasses before remembering they were some place impossibly far away and had to content himself with flicking rather uselessly at a lock of hair.

John rocked back and forth, holding his feet and biting his lip.

Dave waited as patiently as he could but as John continued to rock he felt it slipping and was about to interrupt John's space trip with a well timed verbal assault when John finally opened his mouth effectively killing the rap on the tip of his tongue.

"Why did you really come over here yesterday?"

Dave felt his mouth go dry.

Why _had_ he come over here?

"I mean, I won't be offended whatever the reason. Even if it was just some moral obligation to apologize for the paper thing. I mean, that wasn't necessary anyway, anyone can make a mistake, but if that was why… Thanks I guess. But I don't get why you stayed so long or like… asked to be friends? You don't seem like the kind of guy that goes out of his way to repair hurt feelings so I-"

John ground to a halt as Dave held up his hand.

" Yuh want thuh hones' truth?" He asked after a moment.

This was it.

This was the moment of truth.

Don't be a pussy, Strider.

Be Honest Abe.

Tell John the mutherfucking truth for the sake of everything ironic.

Whatever the truth fucking was.

"I-"

"'Cause I've wanted to talk to you for ages, you know." John blurted, interrupting, as he watched Dave struggle for words. "I've always wondered something…" When Dave remained apparently shocked silent, he continued. "I've always wondered what kind of music you like." He paused to glance at the ceiling. "I mean I never thought of trying to be your friend. I thought we wouldn't get along at all!" He chuckled. "But I was just so damn curious that when you showed up on my windowsill I thought it was the perfect opportunity to invite you in and finally ask!"

Dave felt the wind rush from his lungs and relocate somewhere on Mars.

John was staring at him expectantly, almost happily.

God-damn-it-to-mutherfucking-iced-over-hell.


	10. The Truth

_Chapter Ten (The Truth)_

**Hey look at this! I'm back already! And you guys haven't even swamped me with reviews yettttt hehe (Seriously. You don't understand how happy reviews make me. There is nothing I love more than seeing your feedback~ :D**

**I mean… I write these stories for you guys so you'll be happy! So of course I wanna know how you feel about them!)**

John frowned, watching Dave's expression, what there was of it anyway, slowly twist into a look of dejection.

Wait. Wait, had he just said something wrong?

What had backfired now?

John blinked, thinking back on what he'd just worded-barfed and almost gasped.

He was such a complete dumbfuck!

"Oh! But I'm so glad we are friends!" He blurted quickly, staring earnestly at Dave. "I just meant I never thought that… I mean… Why bother right?" He asked awkwardly, shrugging casually.

Dave seemed to take a deep breath without actually breathing at all and asked, "Why bother with what?"

John flinched at the deadpan, emotionless tone Dave's voice had taken on. He'd just gotten past that too. Shucks.

"Well, I mean… why bother trying to be friends. I mean, why would you want to be my friend right?"

"What makes yuh say that?" Dave asked curiously, turning to stare.

"Well, look at me!" John exclaimed, throwing his arms wide, indicating that Dave should also observe the surroundings, which included nerdy movies, textbooks that were clearly frequently used, cook books, figurines, and the occasional comic book.

"I already am." Dave murmured.

John felt his face catch fire and he struggled to swallow quietly. "W-w-well. I mean, I'm such a nerd… and you're… you're so flippin' cool!" He tried to elaborate, losing the battle against avoiding voicing his weakness in regards to social hierarchy.

Dave blinked several times, seeming to struggle internally with something and John braced himself for the coming revelation Dave was about to have. He'd be up and out that door in no time. He'd just gotten caught up in all the fun... He didn't, in all honesty, want to spend his days holed up in John's room, Nerd Cave of the century, when he could be out chillin' with cool as fuck bros or something.

John felt his heart crumple a little; much like a dried bell pepper in the summer sun.

* * *

Dave tightened his lips into a straight line, thinking hard.

So… John was trying to say that…

What?

They couldn't be friends?

No, that was stupid.

He was Dave mutherfucking Strider. And even though he may not necessarily _want _the attention, he could have any girl _or _guy he wanted and he damn well knew it.

This was a minor setback. A flaw in Egbert's thinking.

And it was about to be resolved.

Hopefully without misconstruing anything; he didn't wanna scare the little goofball off with any gayness.

Wait… whut?

"Dave…?"

John's quiet, worried voice broke him from his abstraction and he slung his arm quickly over John's shoulder, pulling the brunette snuggly into his side. "Not to worry Egbert. I don't dump my pimps quite so easy yuh know."

"W-whuh?"

"I'm sayin' tuh stahp stessin'. Shit ain't chill, yuh see where I'm goin' with this? You gotta let your cool ship set sail, shoot it off the dock intuh the goddamn sunset like a rocket. No regrets." He swiped his free arm in front of them as though surveying a vast horizon.

"Dude… I'm not cool. I don't think I even have a boat…"

John was shrinking slowly farther down and away and Dave found this somehow frustrating. But he wasn't exactly the comforting type. He wasn't much of a friend really.

"You just gotta go for it." He said roughly. How did one ever elucidate what they saw in another? Especially when said other was convinced otherwise. At John's doubtful look, he sighed. "You know who I am."

"Uh, well yeah…"

"You saw what happened the first weeks of school, yeah?"

John nodded, wide-eyed.

"I hang with who the fuck I want. I don't take no shit from anyone. I don't have time for that kinda community service horseshit. So what does that tell you?" When John just continued to stare dumbfounded at him he ran a stymied hand through his ruffled white hair. "I'm sayin' I'm not sittin' here in my goddamn underwear, wrapped in a Star Wars flannel blanket, bro cuddling a wild-haired, elusive nerd, because I think it'll make the world a better place. In fact the whole damn thing can just fly into planet fucking Jupiter and burst into flames for all the shit I give. I'm sittin' here cuz I wanna talk tuh yuh." He paused, momentarily baffled by the force behind his words.

John was likewise speechless, his mouth hanging all the way open, showing off those damn teeth and tongue and-

Woah.

Rein it in there, Strider.

"Well, Egbert? Gonna leave your gurl hangin' after a confession of the fuckin' century?" He spat, the words harsher than intended in his panic to cover up anything potentially revealing.

* * *

John snapped his mouth shut and tried to gain control of his breathing.

Here was Dave Strider, Boyfriend/Friend material of the _century _with his fucking coolkid arm wrapped around him, giving a speech on wanting to hang out (disguised in some dating scenario metaphor none the less...).

With him.

With John Egbert, Nerd/Victim of the century.

How did one even answer that?

"… Wanna go to homecoming with me?" John heard himself blurt.

**Oh John… *shakes head sadly***


	11. The Stress Meter

_Chapter Eleven (The Stress Meter)_

**I'm on a roll guys! :D (thoughIshouldbedoingmyhistor yhomework)**

John felt his eyes widen impossibly and his hands fly about his head like orbiting satellites.

What the fuck was he thinking?! Why the hell had he asked that?! And Dave Strider of all people. Good going, Egbert. All he'd wanted to know was what kind of music Dave was always blaring from those damned headphones. Now he'd just asked out the most popular guy in school. Social hierarchy; did it mean _nothing _to his subconscious?!

And he'd been so close. Dave had been about to tell him. But he'd fucked up. Let the words fly before his brain could think.

Damn it all to hell.

He had to save face, quick!

_Think, Egbert, THINK._

* * *

Dave stared at the little, black haired boy hyperventilating in front of him and tried equally to control his panic.

What had Egbert just asked?

Asked him to homecoming?

He, Dave Strider, had been asked out.

By John frickin' Egbert.

This was a fucking miracle.

* * *

Suddenly the perfect loophole presented itself to John.

A perfect loophole that also happened to guarantee that he'd earn brownie points with the social prodigy.

He leaned forward, grinning easily despite his anxiety. Dave settled his decidedly uninterested eyes on John and waited.

"Dave. Hey, Dave!" John couldn't help letting a giggle escape. "Would that be ironic enough?" Dave blinked slowly, raising one perfectly sculpted eyebrow. "If we went to homecoming together? I bet it would be considered God Tier Irony!"

Dave seemed to deflate just the tiniest bit; from relief, John was sure.

"The ironic-est of ironic, bro."

"So is that a yes?" John questioned eagerly, leaning forward and grinning hugely.

Dave gave the tiniest of smiles and inclined his head slowly. "You got yourself one hot date, Egbert."

* * *

_Mutherfucker._

John and his fucking smile, that fucking nerdy, cute, perfect smile, goddamnhim.

"Hey, look, I gotta skedaddle on the fuck outta here though 'k?" Dave muttered, turning to stare out the window for a moment.

"Oh…" John's face fell, and his shoulders slumped slightly and Dave felt his heart give an unfamiliar squeeze. Damn Egbert. Damn him and all the forces that had thrown the little nerd across his frigid, cool, nonchalant path.

"Well, Egbert-"

"John."

"-… John. I don't 'spose yuh got any fancy dressin's for this here dance?"

"Holy shit, Dave. Your accent is taking over." John laughed. "Has it taken you hostage? Should I call the police? 'Help! Help, officer! My friend's accent is trying to kill him!'"

"Oh, shut yur trap." Dave reached over quickly, smothering the chuckles coming from John who, in surprise, lost his balance sending the two of them toppling onto their backs. "Now, answer thuh damn question." Dave growled, closing the distance between them until their noses were almost touching.

John sucked in a breath and shook his head frantically.

"Good. Then I guess we're goin' shoppin'." With that, he raised his hand and straightened up, still glaring daggers at John.

"Jehovah's shit on toast, Dave, what the fuck?" John muttered, still wide-eyed.

"Don't ever knock the accent bro." Dave ground out, on the verge of blushing.

Stupid, arrogant, badly timed accent. It always increased when he was nervous or embarrassed. What a shitty, dead give away to anyone who knew the signs. Bro was forever calling him on it.

Younger children will latch onto anything they can conceivably make fun of and Dave had not had an easy time of it in all the schools he had traversed in his early days. Texas may have been his birth place but it certainly hadn't been his home for long. His brother's "work", though it raked in the money, was on the questionable side and they had frequently had to pack up and hit the road. Just the memory of all the times he'd slipped and let loose the wild far-flung accent made him cringe to this day.

"I love your accent." John said lightly, standing up.

* * *

When he got no reply from Dave John turned saying, "Now come on! We gotta get dressed if we're going to the…" He trailed off. Dave was sitting in the same exact spot, staring unseeingly into the distance. "Dude. You ok?"

Dave jumped and flashed to his feet.

"Better than peach pie on uh hot day, le's go."

John smiled softly, following Dave who had darted into the hallway. "Your accent is showing again… And you're going the wrong way."

**Mmmm… short chapter this time. IREGRETNOTHING. Because the next one's really long… and… I like strategically timed/cut off chapters SOBITEME.**

**I love you guysssss~**


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